That’s so gay.

There was an interesting article in Judith Warner’s NYT blog a few weeks back that has had me thinking. It’s about teasing among teens with “that’s so gay.”  There are two interesting things about this kind of social bullying.

First, it is not about who someone is attracted to and it’s not mainly a gay slur. It’s not even totally a slur. Maybe it’s cold comfort, but sometimes those kinds of little shifts are what progress look like.

So what is “that’s so gay” really about it?

To me, it’s about reinforcing gender stereotypes. It’s about stigmatizing anything which is not stereotypically male, meaning anything that does not demonstrate the kind of sweaty strength, aggression, and toughness Real Man (or in this case Real Boys) are supposed to exude, or at least aspire to.

Looked at another way, it’s about stigmatizing anything that shows weakness, sensitivity, emotional connection or vulnerability – in short, anything that is female.

As such, its targets are probably more often boys who are straight than gay; which is not to say that teasing them both with the same phrase is equivalent. But to paraphrase former NFL quarterback Don McPherson,  we don’t teach our young boys to be me. We teach them not to be women or homosexual.

“That’s so gay” is about policing gender lines, of pushing back when some boy tried to expand the boundaries of what is acceptable in males – having close girl friends, giving a pal a two-arm (not one-arm-and-a-fist-bump) hug, wearing pastels, enjoying opera – just about anything a real stud would never do.

What we’ve done is created more tolerance for homosexuality per se, and in pealing back homo-phobia have revealed the bedrock beneath it: gender-phobia.

In some ways, this is the harder struggle. Because when we learn a big, strong, macho guy like (say) ex-NBA center John Ameachi is gay, we have to accept a concept, something we really don’t have to confront – that he’s attracted to men.

But when we see just a boy who is sensitive, shy, and maybe even effeminate, for many people the natural reaction is, “We’ve got to toughen this kid up.” Not that there’s anything wrong with him you know, but well, umm… to survive out there, a man’s got to be a man.

Or some such nonsense we use to justify it. But the bottom line is, we make it our business to enforce gender normativity. Which is what “that’s so gay” is really all about.

Embarrassment, shame, public humiliation – all the usual – and most effective, tools of  the gender regime.

Changing this is going to take a lot of work. And especially thinking about how to change the world’s kids grow up into… About emphasizing  different kinds of manhood, that stress the strength of being able to show vulnerability, to connect with others, to protect the weak.

This a radical agenda. But it is also one that can help give our children back their childhoods. Another parent I know described it as the moment the light went out of her son’s eyes. The moment he realized he couldn’t just be himself, that all these parts of him he took for granted were now political, that they were being observed, that they might draw comments, or even condemnation.

It happens the moment someone shouts “oh, that’s SO gay” and stop them in their tracks. That’s something the next gender revolution needs to stop in IT’S tracks.