Bodies That Matter, Part II — Detransitioning

In the last post I argued that we are naturally occurring variations in the system. And that we should own that, rather than embark on the path of trying to be exactly what the system already mostly offers – that is, gender normative men and women.

For myself, this would be an inversion of much of the work I’ve tried to do when interacting with the gender normative world. Especially in my early years, when it seemed the two things I cared most about were a) being really accepted as a woman and b) passing.

I think in my mind I felt that accomplishing those two things, or at least one of them, would somehow authorize me to feel the (fem) feelings I was having.

Needless to say, I was unsuccessful on both fronts. Although I’m technically female (in most states at least), I’m addressed as male at least half of the time. And all the energy I spent looking fem has gradually dropped away and I find myself in the same tee-shirts and jeans I was wearing 25 years ago before I ever thought of transitioning.

In that sense, I guess like many people, I’ve found myself de-transitioned.

And to my surprise, it really doesn’t matter all that much. In the intervening years, I’ve found a core of my own feelings that don’t desert me when others don’t recognize it, and don’t require other’s recognition to flourish. I’m not saying all those things wouldn’t be nice. I think one day, in a more enlightened society, they will be possible.

But I find I can already feel as fem as I want, when I want, regardless of who I’m with, what I’m wearing or what pronoun I’ve just been addressed.

So in the first Bodies That Matter post, I guess I was arguing that we put aside questions of primary identity – am I male or female, am I am man or a woman? These questions are mainly political, and cannot be solved by surgical changes or cosmetic ones (like passing).

However, the feelings that I have are inarguable. I have them. Someone can argue over whether I should have them or not, but their existence is factual. It would be a very interesting reframing of trans-politics if we replaced arguing that bodies like mine are female and instead focused on the right of bodies like mine to be feminine.